50 days to go…

Today was my third day of training for the 10K. I jogged a meer 2 miles but I did it without stopping to walk. That always makes me feel accomplished more than distance or length of time. But clearly I am going to have to step it up quickly in the coming weeks. My goal is to truely be able to run 5 miles by thanksgiving and leave the last 1.2 miles to inspiration on race day (and slowing down to walk if necessary).

Tomorrow I am going to do my pilates DVD.

I like exercising for this 10K because it is not a weight loss goal. I hate setting weight loss goals. I never have the patience for them and I always feel so guilty when I “cheat.”

Another noteworthy acievement is that I haven’t eaten anything that came directly from a box all week! (I am aware it is only tuesday…) Most people who know me seem to think I have it so together that I cook all the time. That is just not true, especially now that I don’t cook for Ethan much. I have been really bad about eating premade meals.  I would like to return to cooking often; I think it is important. So I’ve been cooking!

So…

The 5K I did on Saturday didn’t go as I had expected. Shauna was having problems with her asthma acting up and didn’t bring an inhaler. I didn’t want to leave her, so we just walked most of it.

But seeing how those things work has taken some of my anxiety away from the situation. It’s really not scary at all…haha. And so I am going to do the “Gobble Jog” 10K (6.2 miles) on Thanksgiving. It takes place at 8AM in historic Marietta. It will be a challenge but my competative spirit is all fired up now. I am ready to show myself that I can succeed in this.

Things currently taking place in my life:

- Reading a book from my therapist called “How to Make Yourself Happy and Remarkably Less Disturbable.” It goes along with a different sort of therapy we are trying (REBT). I think it is going to make a huge difference in my life. Huge. I am going to be working very hard to make it happen.

- I am feeling important at work right now (as much as I dislike it in general). When I get paid tomorrow it will be my best paycheck eva cuz I’ve been working so much overtime out at the landfill. And all the geo-tech guys owe me a diet coke (I won a bet).

- I finally took out the trash

Things are going just fine in my life.

Things in a landfill part II

- an entire spoon
- an intact bottle of eye drops
- the squirter part of a turkey baster
- some PJ’s
- other things you’ll never know about

In a landfill

The following is a list of things I saw today when we drilled through a landfill (over 50 feet deep). The landfill is approximately 50 years old. Meaning it was shut down 50 years ago. Meaning these things have been underground for 50 years.

- NEWSPAPER (surprising? You betcha. PLEASE RECYLE!)
- A CLOTH (Blanket or curtain? Something of the sort. I also found this surprising. The cloth got stuck around our auger. It was blue with a pretty flower print)
- PLASTIC BAG (not surprising)
- SOUR CREAM CONTAINER
- CRUSHED SODA POP CAN
- A McDONALD’s STRAW
- A SHOE
- A MOP HEAD? (I think that was what it was)
- OTHER NASTY SMELLY CRAP THAT LOOKED LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE

Yes, the landfill smelled disgusting. Since it was an older landfill it wasn’t lined at all. And go figure it was right by the river. And we hit groundwater while still drilling trash. Meaning all that shit flowed straight to the river.

I thought it was totally nuts. So strange to see that old trash. We just drilled a few inch diameter holes, I can’t imagine what stuff you’d see if you dug up the entire thing.

Stay tuned for updates from day two (tomorrow).

The dream a friend would appreciate

I had the best dream last night.

I was working as a volunteer at the fair. I met a bunch of really great people.
And in the evening we were all asked to pose in pictures with the Smashing Pumpkins. It was going to be fan-fucking-tastic.

And just before they showed up my eyes blinked open to the light of the 8AM sun shining in the windows and I realized I was terribly late for work.

My alarm was set for PM and not AM.

What I want…

…to be the person described by these Brand New lyrics:

“You are calm and reposed, let your beauty unfold. Pale white like the skin stretched over your bones. Spring keeps you ever close, you are second hand smoke. You are so fragile and thin, standing trial for your sins. Holding on to yourself the best you can. You are the smell before rain, you are the blood in my veins.”

I blame my middle child disorder.

Fuck it. Goodnight.

There are a lot of things I should be doing right now. There are probably even a few things I want to do. But the thought of doing anything is painful. Do you ever feel that way? Nothing seems enjoyable.

I doubt if my therapist will even remember me when I see her tomorrow. I am pissed that is was three weeks before she had an opening for me. But what am I going to do?

I feel like hell. I just want all the shit to be over. I just want to stop feeling guilty. and anxious.

I keep losing things.

I am very unhappy with the current state of my affairs. It all makes me feel a little sick to my stomach.

It’s one of those days

when all I can think about are all the things I could have done differently with my life. I feel like everything is my fault. I blame my own choices for everything. I hate that I do this because it feels selfish. self-centered.

If I had just been more confident, smiled more, given less of the silent treatment, dressed better, lost more weight, gotten tatoos, tried harder, been more outgoing and less anxious, made more friends and acted the part of the person that I truely believe is inside of me, then maybe I wouldn’t be in the predicaments I am in today.

Or maybe things were meant to happen this way, for some fucked up reason. Maybe this is all just a set up for the next big thing.

Panera got rid of my favorite sandwich.

I love this kitty. She will probably be adopted before I even get to pretend I could have her. But she is gorgeous and looks like my Heloise.

If you wait for me then Ill come for you
Although Ive traveled far
I always hold a place for you in my heart

If you think of me, if you miss me once in awhile
Then Ill return to you
Ill return and fill that space in your heart

Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
Ill find my way back to you
If youll be waiting
If you dream of me like I dream of you
In a place thats warm and dark
In a place where I can feel the beating of your heart